When married persons find themselves hurtling relentlessly toward a divorce, they sometimes turn to marriage counselors, ministers, psychologists, and psychiatrists to stem the tide. The counsel they are subsequently given often involves changes in the way the two partners relate to one another from day to day. It may be proposed that they reserve an evening each week as “date night,” or that they alter their sex habits or workaholic lifestyles. Such advice can be helpful in reestablishing communication and understanding between two wounded and disappointed people, but it may be inadequate to save a dying marriage. Why? Because the counsel is directed at surface issues.
In most troubled marriages, a basic problem lies ominously below these relatively minor irritants. It involves the way one party has begun to perceive the other, as we have described. When expressed in materialistic terms, it is the value ascribed to one human being by another. That perceived worth is incorporated in the word respect and it is absolutely basic to all human relationships.
The way we behave from day to day is largely a function of how we respect or disrespect the people around us. The way employees perform is a product of how they respect the boss. The way children behave is an outgrowth of their respect for their parents. The way nations coexist is directly attributable to their respect for one another. And certainly, the way husbands and wives relate is a function of their mutual respect and admiration. That’s why marital discord almost always emanates from seething disrespect somewhere in the relationship! That is the bottom line of romantic confrontation.
What I’ve been trying to describe are those gradual changes in perception—that subtle deterioration in attitude that precedes marital conflict. A starry-eyed young man and woman agree to wed because they hold one another in awe, in deepest respect. And if they choose to remain for a lifetime, it will be because that positive attitude has been maintained, or in its absence, from the sheer power of commitment. Either way, the quality of their relationship will be a direct product of their mutual respect through the years.
Perhaps it is now apparent where the present line of reasoning is leading us. If there is hope for the dying marriages we have examined, and I certainly believe there is, then it is likely to be found in the reconstruction of respect between warring husbands and wives. Can there be any doubt that Linda’s husband thoroughly disrespects his wife? Of all forms of disdain that one individual can show for another, there is none more profound than blatant infidelity. That is the pits in human affairs. And though Faye and Nancy are not yet victims of unfaithfulness, they share the same basic problem. Their husbands feel trapped in suffocating relationships with women they clearly disrespect.
We return now to the question with which we began: What can be done to preserve these three marriages and the millions of others they represent? The answer requires the vulnerable spouse to open the cage door and let the trapped partner out! All the techniques of containment must end immediately, including manipulative grief, anger, guilt, and appeasement. Begging, pleading, crying, hand-wringing, and playing the role of the doormat are equally destructive. There may be a time and place for strong feelings to be expressed, and there may be an occasion for quiet tolerance. But these responses must not be used as persuasive devices to hold the drifting partner against his or her will.
To the reader who is desperately in need of this advice, please pay close attention at this point: I’m sure you would not have dreamed of using these coercive methods to convince your husband or wife to marry you during your dating days. You had to lure, attract, charm, encourage him or her. This subtle game of courtship had to take place one delicate step at a time. Can you imagine what would have occurred if you had wept violently and hung on the neck of your lover saying, “I think I’ll die if you don’t marry me! My entire life amounts to nothing without you. Please, please! Oh, please don’t turn me down,” etc.
That approach to a potential marriage partner is about as disastrous as it would be for a used car salesman. What do you think he would accomplish by telling a potential customer through his tears, “Oh, please buy this car! I need the money so badly, and I’ve only had two sales so far today. If you turn me down, I think I’ll go straight out and kill myself!”
This is a ridiculous analogy, of course, but there is linkage in it. When one has fallen in love with an eligible partner, he attempts to “sell himself” to the other. But like the car dealer, he must not deprive the buyer of free choice in the matter. Instead, he must convince the customer that the purchase is in his own interest. If a person would not buy an automobile to ease the pain of a salesman, how much more unlikely he is to devote his entire being to someone he doesn’t love, simply for benevolent reasons. None of us is that unselfish. We are permitted by God to select only one person in the course of a lifetime with whom to invest everything we possess, and few of us are willing to squander that one shot on someone we merely pity! In fact, it is very difficult to love another person romantically and pity him or her at the same time.
Let’s apply this concept to married life. If begging and pleading are ineffective methods of attracting a member of the opposite sex during the dating days, why do victims of bad marriages use the same groveling techniques to hold a drifting spouse? They are only increasing the depth of disrespect by the one who is escaping. Instead, they should convey their own version of the following message when the right time affords itself:
John, I’ve been through some very tough moments since you decided to leave, you know. My love for you is so profound that I just couldn’t face the possibility of life without you. To a person like me who expected to marry only once and to remain committed for life, it is a severe shock to see our relationship begin to unravel. Nevertheless, I have done some intense soul searching, and I now realize that I have been attempting to hold you against your will. That simply can’t be done. As I reflect on our courtship and early years together, I’m reminded that you married me of your own free choice. I did not blackmail you or twist your arm or offer you a bribe. It was a decision you made without pressure from me. Now you say you want out of the marriage and, obviously, I have to let you go. I’m aware that I can no more force you to stay today than I could have made you marry me in 1972 [or whenever]. You are free to go. If you never call me again, then I will accept your decision. I admit that this entire experience has been painful, but I’m going to make it. The Lord has been with me thus far, and He’ll go with me in the future. You and I had some wonderful times together, John. You were my first real love, and I’ll never forget the memories that we shared. I will pray for you and trust that God will guide you in the years ahead.
Slowly, unbelievably, the trapped spouse witnesses the cage door vibrate just a bit, and then start to rise. He can’t believe it. This person to whom he has felt bound hand and foot for years has now set him free! It isn’t necessary to fight off her advances—her grasping hands—anymore.
“But there must be a catch,” he thinks. “It’s too good to be true. Talk is cheap. This is just another trick to win me back. In a week or two she’ll be crying on the phone again, begging me to come home. She’s really weak, you know, and she’ll crack under pressure.”
It is my strongest recommendation that you, the rejected person, prove your partner wrong in this expectation. Let him marvel at your self-control in coming weeks. Only the passage of time will convince him that you are serious—that he is actually free. He may even test you during this period by expressions of great hostility or insult, or by flirtation with others. But one thing is certain: he will be watching for signs of weakness or strength. The vestiges of respect hang in the balance.
If the more vulnerable spouse passes the initial test and convinces the partner that his freedom is secure, some interesting changes begin to occur in their relationship. Please understand that every situation is unique, and I am merely describing typical reactions, but these developments are extremely common in families I have seen. Most of the exceptions represent variations on the same theme. Three distinct consequences can be anticipated when a previously “grabby” lover begins to let go of the cool spouse:
1. The trapped partner no longer feels it necessary to fight off the other, and their relationship improves. It is not that the love affair is rekindled, necessarily, but the strain between the two partners is often eased.
2. As the cool spouse begins to feel free again, the question he has been asking himself changes. After having wondered for weeks or months, “How can I get out of this mess?” he now asks, “Do I really want to go?” Just knowing that he can have his way often makes him less anxious to achieve it. Sometimes it turns him around 180 degrees and brings him back home!
Let me illustrate the effect of this second consequence in another way. Have you ever had something strike you funny at a formal banquet or church service or funeral, where it would have been humiliating to laugh out loud? Just the fact that you couldn’t snicker made you jerk and snort to hold in the belly laugh. This happened to me in a college chapel service many years ago. I was in a mischievous mood, and I put a small ball of aluminum foil on my knee. I intended to fire it twenty rows or more toward the front. Instead, I flipped it straight into the ear of a shy student sitting directly in front of me. He rose about six inches from his seat, and then settled down without ever looking back. His ear immediately began to glow and pulsate to the rhythm of his heart, which struck me funny. In fact, my roommate and I became hysterical, despite the seriousness of the service. He leaned to his left and covered his mouth, and I tilted to the right. We crowded extraneous thoughts through our heads in a desperate attempt to gain control. But just when we thought the crisis had passed, we would notice again the red spot spreading down the lad’s neck in the direction of his shoulder. By this time one half of his head was crimson and the other white. That’s all it took for the snorting and snuffing to begin again. It was awful. People all around us were disgusted with our irreverence, and who knows what the guy with the throbbing ear was thinking. But I’ll tell you honestly, it was impossible to stop laughing.
Finally, the speaker finished his heavy message, and the benediction was said. Everyone stood and the victim took his ear and walked out without making a comment. The pressure was over, and it was acceptable to laugh at last. But suddenly, there was nothing funny. The very fact that we could guffaw if we wished to removed the need even to smile. This is the way we humans are constructed. And that’s the way claustrophobic lovers feel when they are suddenly released. They often lose their need to escape.
3. The third change occurs not in the mind of the cool spouse but in the mind of the vulnerable one. Incredibly, he feels better—somehow more in control of the situation. There is no greater agony than journeying through a vale of tears, waiting in vain for the phone to ring or for a miracle to occur. Instead, the person has begun to respect himself and receive small evidences of respect in return. Even though it is difficult to let go once and for all, there are ample rewards for doing so. One of those advantages involves the feeling that he has a plan—a program—a definite course of action to follow. That is infinitely more comfortable than experiencing the utter despair of powerlessness that he felt before. And little by little, the healing process begins.
By this point in our discussion, some of my readers are undoubtedly beginning to ask a question that means more to me than any other aspect of the work we are doing: Is the advice offered herein consistent with Scripture? It is certainly different from what many Christian leaders would recommend.
If I felt that my recommendations contradicted biblical teachings I would never utter them again. God’s Word is the standard for all human behavior and values. And in this context, there are specific passages that support the psychological conclusions I have drawn. The most relevant is found in 1 Corinthians 7:12–15. Note especially the portion I have italicized.
“If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.”
Those seem like very straightforward instructions to me. The apostle Paul was talking to men and women who were married to unbelievers—some of whom who were undoubtedly involved in bad marriages. He was telling them unequivocally that divorce was not an option. Period. They were instructed to remain faithful and try to win their un-Christian spouses to the Lord. Good counsel! But Paul was also sensitive to those who had no choice in the matter. Like Linda and Faye, they were unable to hold their partners at home. In those instances they were advised to let the partners go. There is no blame in accepting a fate beyond their control. And just as I have indicated, this acceptance of the inevitable will result in “peace.” Here we see the marvelous wisdom of the Creator as expressed through His servant in interpersonal and psychological dimensions.
Chapter Six
The Tougher Questions
We have dealt with the matter of letting go of a disenchanted lover. But in real-life situations, marital problems often involve complications and entanglements that make our task more difficult. Let’s return, for example, to those men and women who know their spouses are being unfaithful. What should be the attitude of Linda and the other hurting people whose partners are fooling around? Whereas their infidelity would likely have been hidden a century ago, today it may be blatantly admitted and defended by the guilty. A popular song from the 1970s illustrates this justification of evil.
TORN BETWEEN TWO LOVERS7
There are times when a woman has to say what’s on her mind,
Even though she knows how much it’s gonna hurt.
Before I say another word, let me tell you, I love you.
Let me hold you close and say these words as gently as I can.
There’s been another man that I’ve needed and I’ve loved.
But that doesn’t mean I love you less. [Oh, really?]
And he knows he can’t possess me and he knows he never will.
There’s just this empty place inside of me that only he can fill.
Torn between two lovers, feelin’ like a fool.
Lovin’ both of you is breaking all the rules.
You mustn’t think you failed me just because there’s someone else.
You were the first real love I ever had and all the things I ever said,
I swear they still are true. [How about the marriage vows?]
For no one else can have the part of me I gave to you.
Couldn’t really blame you if you turned and walked away.
But with everything I feel inside, I’m askin’ you to stay.
Torn between two lovers, feelin’ like a fool.
Lovin’ both of you is breaking all the rules.
Isn’t that sweet? This little darlin’ is sleeping with two men and one of them is not her husband. That’s bad enough. Then she has the utter audacity to tell the man she married that her affair will be continuing. He has two choices in the matter: live with it or shove off. He wasn’t even asked for his opinion. She was determined to have her cake and ice cream too, or if her husband preferred, she’d settle for ice cream—with the other lover.
How about it, now? What would your answer be to this proposition? The question is highly relevant to our discussion. Linda’s husband has confronted her with the same dilemma. She wrote, “He is confused and doesn’t know which one of us he wants. He doesn’t want to lose me and says he still loves me and our three kids, but he can’t give her up either.”
There is no shortage of husbands and wives who are torn between two (or more) lovers. I could fill the balance of this book with letters and living illustrations of men and women like Linda whose mates are openly engaged in sexual escapades. They, like the writer of the following letter, ask the same question: “What do I do now?”
Dear Dr. Dobson:
I heard your radio program today when you urged frustrated people not to get a divorce. It seemed like you were talking directly to me. But if I’m not going to get a divorce, then what can I do? Every day is worse than the one before and my husband and I are farther apart. I am more depressed than I’ve ever been.
My husband and I are thirty-four years old and we have four children. Chuck no longer cares about the things he used to love. He used to sing in the choir in church and work on a camper he was building for the family. Now he seems to be looking for a whole new way of life, spending his time dancing in bars and clubs. He is involved with other women, spending money we can’t afford, but nothing satisfies him for long. Tell me, what would you do if you were me?
My husband says I’m too old-fashioned, too moral. But I’m trying to live a Christian life. He says he would rather die than be a Christian. He makes me feel so dirty!
How do I continue this? I ask you. How?
A friend in Christ,
Mabel
Let’s turn to the Christian literature to find answers to Mabel’s question. Listed below are five suggestions which were paraphrased from actual books offering counsel to female victims of infidelity. This passive approach has been the “party line” for several decades, not only in books but also in the advice offered by Christian counselors, pastors, relatives, and friends. Let me ask you to put yourself in Mabel’s situation as you read these recommendations.
1. After you learn of your husband’s infidelity, go to him and tell him again how much you love him. Tell him you don’t intend to let him go, and indeed, that you plan to fight for him. Your persistence will tell him that there might be a chance that you will shape up.
2. Tell your husband that you understand what he’s done, and indicate that you realize you have given him some reason to fool around. Do not label his behavior sinful or immoral.
3. Ask God to reveal your specific failures that have led to your husband’s unfaithfulness. When the answer comes, take this list of shortcomings to your husband and review it with him. Tell him specifically how you think you may have contributed to his need to find another lover and ask for his forgiveness.
4. Don’t expect quick improvement in your relationship with your husband. Your marriage has taken years to get into the mess it’s in, and it may take as long to recover. In the meantime, don’t ask your husband to stop seeing the other lover.
5. Continue treating your husband as the man of the house. Remind him he is still your husband and the father of your children. If he is not living at home, encourage him to eat his meals with you and the children anytime he wants to. Let him know you are ready to meet his sexual needs whenever he comes over.
Certainly, what is recommended here seems like the loving, nonjudgmental thing to do, and in fact, I agree that these suggestions will be entirely appropriate after a reconciliation has occurred. There will be a time for total forgiveness, no mention of the past, admission of personal flaws, and shared responsibility for the problems that developed. Love demands nothing less. Furthermore, we must acknowledge that there are occasions when “unconditional acceptance,” as described above, can be successful in winning back a wayward spouse. I have seen women who permitted their husbands to abuse them, betray them, deprive them, and insult them, yet who returned such love and kindness that the marriage was saved. It does occur. The personality and temperament of the abusing partner is the critical factor here, of course.
Nevertheless, I must report the facts as I see them. A passive approach often leads to the dissolution of the relationship. It is especially destructive in marriages where the unfaithful partner is desperate to escape from the wife he thoroughly disrespects, yet who won’t let him go and instead announces her intention of fighting for him (see item 1 above) no matter what he does to gain his freedom.
Let me make one more attempt to explain why appeasement, even in the name of Christianity, can prove fatal to a marriage. Just as toddlers and teenagers will challenge the authority of their parents precisely for the purpose of testing their confidence and courage, a husband or wife will sometimes do the same. They, like children, want to feel the security of loving discipline which says, “Go this far and no farther.” There is safety in defined limits for human beings of all ages.
In other books I have described what happens when a parent collapses in response to consistent challenges from a child. Respect is lost when the question is asked, “How tough are you?” and the answer comes back, “I’m made of Jell-O!” Not only does the child begin to feel that the parent is unworthy of his respect, but he senses a lack of love in the relationship, too. Genuine love demands toughness in moments of crisis. It’s true for grown-ups, too.
As indicated above, adults will occasionally challenge one another for the same reasons they challenged their parents as children. Unconsciously, perhaps, they are asking the question, “How much courage do you have, and do you love me enough to stop me from doing this foolish thing?” What they need in that moment is loving discipline that forces them to choose between good and bad alternatives. What they don’t need, contrary to the suggestions offered above, is permissiveness, understanding, excuses, removal of guilt, and buckets of tender loving care. To dole out that kind of smother-love at such a time is to reinforce irresponsibility and generate disrespect. It deprives the marriage of mutual accountability!
Let’s look at a couple of specific examples. Suppose a teenager comes home, stoned on amphetamines. He sits in his room for days at a time, popping pills while he deteriorates physically and emotionally. So what should his parents do? Does the adolescent need understanding and rationalization and never a word about his problem? Should his parents tell him how they’ve caused his addiction by their many failures? Is it best that they prop up his life and purchase his narcotics for him? Certainly not. Love must be tough! If they cannot reason with him and encourage him to get help, they should force the issue to a crisis that will save him from himself. By whatever method, including painful confrontation, they must break the cycle of behavior that is destroying their son and get him to seek professional help.
How about the example of a wife whose husband is an alcoholic? Should she “cover” for his drunken condition, lying to his boss and concealing the problem from the neighbors? No, that is the worst course of action for a victim of alcoholism. The best approach is to force a crisis that will bring the matter to a head. Then it can be treated and resolved. (We will discuss this matter in greater detail in subsequent chapters.)
Perhaps my point has been made. Infidelity is an addiction that can destroy a life as quickly as drugs or alcohol. Once a man or woman is hooked on the thrills of sexual conquest, he or she becomes intoxicated with its lust for pleasure. This person needs every available reason to go straight—to clean up his life. He certainly does not need a spouse who says dreamily, “I understand why you need the other woman, David. My goodness! I am so riddled with flaws that it’s no wonder you went looking for someone else. You should see the list of my own stupidities that I’m keeping. Let me propose a course of action: You just go on with your other friendships for a few years while I work on myself, and maybe you’ll eventually feel like being a husband again. Spend our money foolishly if you wish, and I’ll get along somehow. Maybe I can take in ironing or do some babysitting. In the meantime, drop over and I’ll meet your needs anytime you wish. Bring your dirty clothes and a big appetite, too. The kids and I will try to keep the conversation from getting too heavy for you because we sure wouldn’t want you to get the notion that you’re doing something wrong. And David, why don’t you bring your ladyfriend with you the next time you come. I’ll bet she’s a sweetheart.”
That approach is like buying booze for the drunk and drugs for the junkie. It is weak love! It is disastrous!
I hope I’ve made the case for the use of loving toughness in response to blatant rebellion and sin. But the question remains, how is that discipline implemented? Does the offended party scream and cry and throw things? Does he or she run to the nearest telephone to call the attorney? Is it time to play dirty, spreading gossip that will embarrass and hurt the rascal? No! No! No! Those approaches may be tough, but they aren’t loving!
I’ll offer an alternative in the next chapter.
Chapter Seven
The Valley of the Shadow
Anyone who has tried to diet or stop smoking or maintain an exercise program for more than two weeks knows just how difficult it is to eliminate well-entrenched patterns of behavior. We can fight our persistent old habits tooth and nail, but they’re always lurking out there somewhere, threatening to return and subject us again to their servitude. Many of these behavioral characteristics were cut during childhood in channels that run deep and wide. To change our ways of responding now, as adults, requires us to dam up the river, dig new basins, and reroute the flow. It may be the most difficult thing a person is ever asked to do.
That is what the adulterer or the alcoholic or the child abuser is facing. When approached rationally, he will tell us that he dislikes what he has become and wishes he could change. But the old patterns persist, leading him to do tomorrow what he did yesterday. His promises and his declarations are not worth the gunpowder required to blow them up.
How, then, can we help turn him around? What can Linda do to make her husband abandon his female toys? She has tried nagging and begging and being sweet and being angry, but nothing has worked. What now?
Well, if Linda were sitting in my office, I would first suggest that we make her marital problems a matter of concerted prayer.
Any personal crisis should begin at that point, especially when it involves something so important as the stability of a family. Let me make it clear that the advice offered in this book or any other (except the Bible) is mere human wisdom, and is woefully inadequate without the direct leadership of the Holy Spirit. In almost every troubled marriage, there is a spiritual dimension that cannot be brushed aside by the application of psychological principles alone, regardless of how brilliant they sound.
Furthermore, in talking to hundreds of Christians who have seen their families torn apart, I have heard one comment with overwhelming consistency: “I would never have made it without the Lord!” They have then told me how the presence of Jesus Christ was never more real and compassionate than during the worst of the storm, when the winds of tragedy howled around them. It is my privilege, therefore, to direct Linda and all the multitudes who suffer into this harbor of God’s infinite love. I have
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